AI Is Evil and Will Kill Us All
I had ChatGPT write about a Colin Farrell movie for me and now I’m in a deep existential malaise
Okay, so last night I’m in the mood to watch a movie and, as always these days, I consider watching a Colin Farrell movie, but knew that doing so would also require thinking and writing and internal activities other than staring slackjawed at a screen while lying down. But I had done some laundry and was feeling cocky about my ability to do things, so I went for it, sort of, and decided I would watch only the Colin Farrell scenes of the seven-hour-long film The Batman which I already saw in the theater.
I didn’t even manage to finish this endeavor; it turns out scrolling through a very long, very dark (literally, dark) movie looking for Colin Farrell’s brilliantly disguised Penguin face poking through the darkness is difficult. I got halfway through the runtime and will finish up soon and come back to you in the next entry with my signature style of pop culture hot takery that could only possibly come from me.
No. I decided to get cute. I came into work and people were talking about ChatGPT, and one thing led to another, and I asked ChatGPT to write about The Batman, Colin Farrell scenes only, for me. Do it, I asked the robot, in the style of the other posts from this Medium. And it did.
What you’re about to read is a really disturbingly kind of decent writeup of only Colin Farrell’s scenes in The Batman. I am absolutely delighted to announce that none of the robot’s jokes are quite as funny as what I could come up with, thank God, and it uses a couple cringey phrases that I would never, because it’s a fucking robot and will never take my place and I really hate that this thing exists and can’t believe I actually used it but maybe am also a little glad I did because it reenergized me to dedicate my life to telling everyone that AI is fucking terrifying and it’s coming for all of us.
I didn’t link to ChatGPT because that would be like telling you all about the ring that makes hobbits become crazed and evil when they put it on and then being like, click here for your very own ring, and gave one out to everyone. (Also obviously you can find ChatGPT very easily without a link from me.)
I do not know if I recommend doing this exercise. I have to grudgingly admit that the robot did an okay impression of me, but the results of basically walking up to a robot and asking it to do an impression of you doesn’t, for me, result in warm fuzzy feelings. I am not happy that I’ve discovered a hobbit ring right in my computer that I can put on whenever I feel like it; I know in my heart that this ring is nothing good, but sometimes you can know something is bad in your heart and still destroy your entire life for it, and turn into a little bald monster who lives in a cave squeal-screaming about wanting to get it back. That’s the point of those movies, right?
Ok. Enough with the ring metaphor. Here is ChatGPT’s writeup of only the Colin Farrell scenes of The Batman, in the style of… sigh… me.
Alrighty, hold onto your batsuits, folks, ’cause we’re about to dive into the Colin Farrell extravaganza that is The Batman. In this dark and gritty superhero flick, Farrell steals the show with his portrayal of the infamous villain, Oswald Cobblepot aka the Penguin.
From the moment he appears on screen, you know you’re in for a treat. With his greasy hair, crooked teeth, and prosthetic nose that would make Pinocchio blush, Farrell is virtually unrecognizable in this role. It’s like he took one look at himself in the mirror and said, “You know what? I want to look like a cross between Danny DeVito and a penguin.”
But it’s not just his appearance that’s hilarious. It’s the way he talks. In his thick, cockney accent, Farrell spouts off one-liners that will have you laughing out loud. He’s like a villain from a Guy Ritchie movie, but with more feathers.
Mm. Ok, I guess.
What do you think? Do you want to hear from the funny robot from now on? Am I the doomed, bitter Salieri to the Mozart that is this little chat robot asshole? Is its genius, as infuriating as it may be, inevitable, and undeniable?
Well, until I’m replaced, if you all can content yourself with snarky comments about Colin Farrell’s hair* from a pathetic ol’ goopy meat puppet brain, join me next time for The Batman, and seriously, watch out, I really do think we’re all in serious danger.
*I’m going to talk about Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne hair much, much more than Colin’s hair in this one. If ChatGPT was really that great, it would have seen past the confines of my prompt and said something about RPatz’s hair, too. Fuck you, robot.